trapped heart.

where did you come from?

what are you made of?

when did you form?

questions i can't answer. 

stone, strong, and bulletproof. 

soundproof, overshadowing, and forever there. 

BREAK.

i want to answer those questions!

you didn't come from one specific circumstance, it is impossible. 

you were created, for me and by me. created for my protection, created by my fragile heart. 

you are made of dishonesty, broken promises, and every single time i lost trust.

you've been forming my whole life. if i had known i were building you, i would've destroyed you at your weakest. but now, now you are stronger than ever. 

IMPENETRABLE.

you were created, for me and by me. created for my seclusion, created by venomous defense.

you are made of fear of lies, fear of unrequited promises, and fear of losing the trust given so seldom. 

you've been forming my whole life, higher and higher until no one is let in. 

outside, you are defended by the scorching thorn traps of hatred and anger; flaming dart words refuse anyone closely approaching. 

much like rapunzel trapped by her master, i am trapped by mine; fear. 

the fear alone did not build you, however. 

it was only the mere foundation. 

each stone, brick and layer laid contain the distrust and lies i witnessed in others' lives. each piece of resentment i've held to those who have hurt the one's i love. 

each layer of cement contains the tears, and pain i shed and felt for those i know. the one's who wouldn't fight for themselves. 

my guarded wall was made for them. 

the outside flames were built from the words spoken to those who i can no longer trust, the one's my loves have already forgiven. 

my heart will never feel the pain they have once felt..

or has it already? 

has my own defense mechanism weakened my own fragile heart? is it crumbling in shadowed darkness and lonesome quarters of the protective wall?

please! please fall! crumble before my only heart does! or else, all i will know is the cold, dreary chamber i've lived in for a lifetime. 

i want to see the light of passion. i want to venture out to smell the fragrant scent of peace. i long to feel the the softness of the love so many have known. can i please taste the bittersweet roots of forgiveness? let me hear the sound of him calling to me, "you are mine forever, and i will NEVER hurt you."


KJC

false reflection.

the reflection continuously taunts me, stretching and skewing from every fastened point. the beauty holds true in others eyes, I suppose, or so they say. be that the case, why are these eyes, the windows to my soul, so clouded and glazed by false accusations? The truth seems clear on paper, written in it's perfected calligraphy, dancing across the page; "beauty is of the soul, not the skin, for the skin ages and withers but the soul holds true to itself." oh how these words can be read and comprehended, but upon returning to that reflection, the script decays and no longer seems real.

KJC

sleepless nights

never did I know how fragile my soul was til I felt it shatter like porcelain with that single blow. my nerves shake like the leaves in the wind as I watch you go. my strength resembles that of styrofoam, shattering and flaking with every break, holding on with all it has left. the numbness is becoming comforting. almost like the pain isn't there, that is, until I breathe. a single breath invites every needle point of my thoughts to distrupt the comfort of the numbness, stabbing their way through my flesh. it's okay, when my eyes close and I drift from this painfilled world into my unconsious, there you are. juggling my everso fragile heart. forever I'll chase you in hope that you do not drop it, for when I wake up, I'll know how it feels when you finally let go.

KJC

my bucket list

    Finish this list

Write a song

Write a book

Be in a movie

Travel across the country

Travel across the world

Become left handed

Get an MLIA posted 1/18/10

Enter and win contest

Get a 3.5

Save someone’s life

Donate to a charity

Wake up without an alarm

Learn guitar

Learn piano

Kiss in the rain

Bungee jump

Sky dive

Give blood 11/14/09

Graduate from college

Go to Disney world

Write my name in wet cement

Scuba-dive

Watch the sunset and sunrise in one sitting

Be in a play

Ride in a hot air balloon

Christmas in new york and paris

Go camping

Go fishing

Inspire someone

Give up soft drinks for a year

Take voice lessons

Learn to dance

Learn to juggle

Get a tattoo 4/7/10

Find the meaning of happiness

Write and submit a completed poem

Make someone proud

Take a road trip

Become an actress

lessons learned

As this semester winds down to a close i realize how much time i genuinely wasted. Every nap i took, every minute of television i watched, and every website i visited, i wasted hours upon hours of what i could have channeled toward keeping my scholarship. I have no idea where i stand as of right now. If i kept it, then God has been really gracious to the undeserving. If i did not, i consider it a lesson learned. 

Also i begin to realized that in these past 4 months, i have done a complete 180 and now view who i am and what i believe so much differently. now that i've spent the time on figuring out what i want to do, i have to start actually pursuing my dreams. i also want to spend the next year filled with self discovery. I know what my dreams are but its time for me to find if i'm good at it or not. if i am, i guess i've found my career. if not, lesson learned.

KJC

procrastination

Procrastinating is by far my greatest downfall. If it was an Olympic sport, I’d probably find something to do other than train. It is one habit that I wish I never ‘d fallen into. Because if I hadn’t I think these journals would be a million times better. I think I wouldn’t be as stressed and I think I’d be overall a happier person. But no, I have to wait until the very last possible nanosecond to do anything. Between procrastinating and my love of sleep, I don’t know how I function. It’s unhealthy really. Oh, and eating. I love to eat. There’s a quote I absolutely love, “Oh boredom, why can’t you make me love exercise rather than food?” that is what I live by! There are 24 hours in a day, I spend maybe 10 sleeping 5 in class, and then what? There are nine other hours in my day that I can’t even recall what I do. Did I mention I sleep 10 hours? What college student in their right mind sleeps that much? That seems problematic to me. My goal for this year is to first find out what I’m doing with those 9 unused hours, and then once I do, I will substitute hour by hour with something productive. I’m hoping that once I complete this task I’ll becoming an exercise loving, sleep hating, healthy eating, ex-procrastinator. Then I’ll wake up from that dream, eat a Twinkie, turn on the TV and check my facebook.

KJC

investment or gamble?

To invest is to devote all time, effort, power, energy, and previous knowledge ensuring an outcome: an investment. To invest that same time, effort, power, energy and knowledge into an outcome of chance would be considered a gamble, in which you are ensured nothing. Dancers, actors, singers, etc. devote their lives to something that is unsure. They live for the gamble. They create a pathway for merely touching their dream. While some achieve their lifelong aspiration by purely knowing the right people or being at the right place at the right time, other dreamers fall short of their goal. They gamble everything they have on this one career, only to have a slim shot at succeeding. Why do they risk it? Because it’s their passion; it’s what they were born to do. My “investment” in academic success is a minute one compared to the gamble of the passionate. My reasoning? I have a fear: a fear of pursuing my passion. My investment to college is not one in the slightest compared to many of my peers. My aspiration of a degree is one that was placed on me by society. In no way do I hope to be a collegiate intellectual. I aspire to be molded by my journey in search of reaching my artistic dreams. I wish badly to have the strength to gamble myself in the artistic life from which my fears have kept me. My heart longs to be acting and dancing in the world of the unknown; a world that I am not guaranteed a paycheck to get me to the next bill. Instead of being where my heart wants to be, I am “investing” my time here because of a blatant fear. I do believe that it is important to be educated, for a mountainous struggle to an uneducated man may seem insignificant to his opposite. Nevertheless, I believe that education can only bring you so far into reaching what you long for in life. I myself have not “invested” anything but time here. I do not wish to be a graphic designer in my heart, but those in society have led me to believe that you will go nowhere in life by following your heart. They have told me that you need money to be successful, a job to have money, and an education to have a job. As much as I would like to believe that, I disagree with society. Conversely, They have put a bind on my heart and mind that I can go nowhere significant by pursuing my acting career. I have been told that only slight portions of those who try indeed succeed. I have seen the struggles of working class minus the degree first hand, and the lengths they have traveled to get to the place that they are. I have also seen those who appear happy in their chosen career that college has brought forth for them. An investment was made, and it was fulfilled. Investing involves risk. I applaud those who have risked loans to pursue an education. For they cannot be certain they’ll make it out with a diploma in one hand and a career in the other in order to repay them. Loans alone are a risk for no matter what the outcome of a college experience is, they must be returned. I, however, cannot even allow myself to say I am making a risk financially. I am here on scholarship, paid for by Nicholls State University to achieve the sanctified piece of cardstock placed inside a polished vinyl case at the end of my four years. The sanctified vinyl covered cardstock is more liable to assure you financial stability. People think that money can buy happiness and in no way do I agree. I believe in the gamble; throwing your all into something that you cannot ensure. All in all, my investment does not exist. I wish to gamble. I wish to make something of myself that I will be proud of. Curse the fear that rules my actions. If it were not for this fear, perhaps I could gamble my life away and create my story. The one I wish to tell over and over. I wish for my gambling to become an addiction; something my body thrives on. I have no desire to pursue a lifelong investment into something I am not passionate about. In my world, investments mean security, safety, and a guided path. I wish to break my fears and insecurities, walk down the path less traveled and honor my hearts wishes. My ambition is not to be wealthy in currency, but wealthy in the pleasure of my success.

KJC