.blind love.

when i was young i was taught that love is undefined; that love is unexplainable; that love is blind. as i've grown i've come to realize that it is undefined because there is no answer to what it truly is. no one wants to say that love is heartache, love is sleepless nights and stressful days. why do we want it? love is unexplained, not because it is indescribable but because no one will admit that there are hardships, there are tasks that not many want to take on, but mostly, its unexplainable because very few will ever know absolute love. they do not want to go through the pain to find it. Now, love is blind? is it no wonder? love is not blind because it can see past flaws, and love is not blind because it seeks only inner beauty. no, love has become blind so that we may settle. love became blind because we could not see ourselves deserving of what is rightfully ours. is that love? no. love is pain, love is agony, love is conscious and wide-eyed to all details. because to love, to feel pain, and to see clearly sounds almost too good to be true compared to an unscathed heart, habitual days and blinded, glazed eyes. 

KJC

.:my fault:.

my heart never healed from when you left. you let me get close to you. you let me feel secure. its your fault i can't feel. its your fault i can't trust. its your fault my tears have dried. its your fault my pain has turned numb. its your fault my heart will never

race. its your fault i walk this world blinded. but its all my fault; i let you in. 
KJC

.:painful beauty.beautiful pain:.

it has been said that beauty is only skin deep.. how about pain? pain burrows through my veins. it has also been said that pain is beauty. could it be that we cause pain in the search of beauty when in reality our beauty is how we push through our pain? or is our beauty the journey and knowledge we gain is search of fictitious and materialized beauty?

ticktock.

waiting is the hardest part of life. living in constant anticipation of how things will line up. but once we actually finish waiting, it feels like it was gone in the blink of an eye. make sure what you're waiting on is worth it, because who knows how long you'll wait for nothing. 

.

sitting in a world where no one knows but you. your story is not yet shared. when your world is crumbling all around, their wind still cools, their laughter is still heard, their hearts still beat; yet all you feel, hear and see is numb. all senses shut off for mere seconds. will they ever feel you? will they ever know? they won't. they will still return the empty smile you loan out. but maybe, just maybe, their world is similar to the remains in the rubble as yours is. maybe, just maybe, they understand too. but you will never know, for you left them with a generic greeting indicating nothing other than you acknowledge their presence. 

dreams...

why are aspirations called dreams? dreams happen in the unconscious state. dreams occur without control. dreams are a faded thought. are they called dreams because they do actually occur without control; or does the effort put forth actually affect the outcome? or are they called dreams because they are mythical and unattainable? they can't be, because people have reached further beyond their dreams before...

everyday that passes is another wasted. a wasted opportunity, a wasted moment; just time not used to benefit the goal of reaching the unattainable. 

most questions i ask are open ended.. who will i be? how many people will i inspire, hurt, or affect in general? why can't my questions be answered? hm. ironic. 

sometimes a question is the only answer... but does it matter? or is the point of life to continue searching for that answer to keep you alive? because only when you find it is your time truly up. if you no longer ask, search or wonder... well is there even a point?

trapped heart.

where did you come from?

what are you made of?

when did you form?

questions i can't answer. 

stone, strong, and bulletproof. 

soundproof, overshadowing, and forever there. 

BREAK.

i want to answer those questions!

you didn't come from one specific circumstance, it is impossible. 

you were created, for me and by me. created for my protection, created by my fragile heart. 

you are made of dishonesty, broken promises, and every single time i lost trust.

you've been forming my whole life. if i had known i were building you, i would've destroyed you at your weakest. but now, now you are stronger than ever. 

IMPENETRABLE.

you were created, for me and by me. created for my seclusion, created by venomous defense.

you are made of fear of lies, fear of unrequited promises, and fear of losing the trust given so seldom. 

you've been forming my whole life, higher and higher until no one is let in. 

outside, you are defended by the scorching thorn traps of hatred and anger; flaming dart words refuse anyone closely approaching. 

much like rapunzel trapped by her master, i am trapped by mine; fear. 

the fear alone did not build you, however. 

it was only the mere foundation. 

each stone, brick and layer laid contain the distrust and lies i witnessed in others' lives. each piece of resentment i've held to those who have hurt the one's i love. 

each layer of cement contains the tears, and pain i shed and felt for those i know. the one's who wouldn't fight for themselves. 

my guarded wall was made for them. 

the outside flames were built from the words spoken to those who i can no longer trust, the one's my loves have already forgiven. 

my heart will never feel the pain they have once felt..

or has it already? 

has my own defense mechanism weakened my own fragile heart? is it crumbling in shadowed darkness and lonesome quarters of the protective wall?

please! please fall! crumble before my only heart does! or else, all i will know is the cold, dreary chamber i've lived in for a lifetime. 

i want to see the light of passion. i want to venture out to smell the fragrant scent of peace. i long to feel the the softness of the love so many have known. can i please taste the bittersweet roots of forgiveness? let me hear the sound of him calling to me, "you are mine forever, and i will NEVER hurt you."


KJC