i sleep. i cry. i hold.

I sleep not because my dreams are better than my reality, because in all truth, they mock and expose the life I ask to run away from. my heart no longer wishes to continue this way, it wants to change. but I cannot escape now, so I sleep. to chase the dreams I feel I will never reach, to escape the numbing reality in which I choose to ignore the pain. my hope, my joy, my laughter, they all shadow what I feel inside the depths of my soul. they blanket the fear and anxiety. until I face and conquer this feeling, I sleep. a numbing sleep hopeful to wake and be changed. but never am. because instead of pursuing, I am unconsious. the only things accomplished in the unconcious are the ideas which must be thrust onto actions. once these actions occur, it is then that the unconcious can be credited. I, however, only sleep. sleep to escape, to dream, to waste. I sleep.

I cry not because of sadness or happiness or fright. I cry for myself. for the feeling of release. nothing will cause this river to break the dam built before my eyes. only the thought that I have not acommplished a goal or that I never will. the tears fit my face like they belong there. they tell a story, each holding a word, phrase or sentence. however they cannot be read. the words are there but will never be pieced together until the last tear is cried. the last drop of thought and feeling. until the dream is reached that the tears are searching for, they will not stop nor be understood. it is for this, I cry.

I hold onto you, not because I know you but I hope to find you. you have to be out there somewhere, or am I destined to search this world without encouragement and fall short and empty handed? I want you to love me with the love I know I have to give, but I don't want to lose you or chase you away for I'm scared I won't know how to show you this love I hold onto so dearly. because, darling, it was once taken from me and never returned. I have kept it behind an iron lock and seem to have forgotten the combination. if i can find you, maybe I'll remember. maybe I'll learn to open my heart again and let you in. I burn with a fire of hope that I will find you but I am iced by the 'reality' that you are only in my head and the hope is fully extinguished. for this, I hold.

KJC