...

It’s so hard to cry, to surrender. But eventually it’s all you can do. When every muscle quivers in fear of the pain, rejection and anger coming. When each gateway to your heart is blocked from layers of torment and hurt. Happiness mocking your pain. When the dam can't hold up against the salt licked streams of sorrow and your body can do nothing but fall. This is when you really learn feel.

KJC

i sleep. i cry. i hold.

I sleep not because my dreams are better than my reality, because in all truth, they mock and expose the life I ask to run away from. my heart no longer wishes to continue this way, it wants to change. but I cannot escape now, so I sleep. to chase the dreams I feel I will never reach, to escape the numbing reality in which I choose to ignore the pain. my hope, my joy, my laughter, they all shadow what I feel inside the depths of my soul. they blanket the fear and anxiety. until I face and conquer this feeling, I sleep. a numbing sleep hopeful to wake and be changed. but never am. because instead of pursuing, I am unconsious. the only things accomplished in the unconcious are the ideas which must be thrust onto actions. once these actions occur, it is then that the unconcious can be credited. I, however, only sleep. sleep to escape, to dream, to waste. I sleep.

I cry not because of sadness or happiness or fright. I cry for myself. for the feeling of release. nothing will cause this river to break the dam built before my eyes. only the thought that I have not acommplished a goal or that I never will. the tears fit my face like they belong there. they tell a story, each holding a word, phrase or sentence. however they cannot be read. the words are there but will never be pieced together until the last tear is cried. the last drop of thought and feeling. until the dream is reached that the tears are searching for, they will not stop nor be understood. it is for this, I cry.

I hold onto you, not because I know you but I hope to find you. you have to be out there somewhere, or am I destined to search this world without encouragement and fall short and empty handed? I want you to love me with the love I know I have to give, but I don't want to lose you or chase you away for I'm scared I won't know how to show you this love I hold onto so dearly. because, darling, it was once taken from me and never returned. I have kept it behind an iron lock and seem to have forgotten the combination. if i can find you, maybe I'll remember. maybe I'll learn to open my heart again and let you in. I burn with a fire of hope that I will find you but I am iced by the 'reality' that you are only in my head and the hope is fully extinguished. for this, I hold.

KJC

numb.

numb feeling

how oxymoronic

how fitting

can you actually feel numb? or is it the essence of a lack of feeling ? are we so used to feeling that it becomes numb and numb in actuality becomes our feeling? when there is nothing left to feel, feel numb.

KJC

i am stubborn. i am unchangeable. i am rebellious. i am unique. i am fragile.

i am stubborn; the essence of being stubborn- being difficult to handle, to manage. am i supposed to be manageable? to manage something is to control it, to have it under one's power, completely regulated and restricted. you do not want to manage me, for i am stubborn. you cannot handle me; not because i am too much for you, and not because i have gone mad, but because i stand for something and i will not betray my beliefs. i stand for something very few respect presently. i stand for an idea, that once was an actual practice, but in fact remains solely an idea. i am stubborn. 

i am unchangeable; plain. simple. exactly as it seems. i am not unchangeable due to my stubbornness. i am unchangeable due to my familiarity of myself. i am who i created myself to be, i have been this self forever. no matter how much you try to shape and mold me, i shall return to who i know myself to be, it is if fact all that i know. 

i am rebellious; i will tell you now that my rebellion is different from the acts that you are most likely used to witnessing. i do not rebel against war, 'the man', unequal rights, etc. i rebel against what is becoming of those around me. i do not wish to be a clone of what i see. though i love each and every one of my peers dearly and deeply, i do not wish to be one in the same. i am me and i will forever be all that i know. rebellious? well that's how it seems. 

i am unique; just like everyone else. i believe i can make a difference, just like everyone else. i believe i am different, i believe i am stubborn, i believe i am special, i am new, i am change yet unchangeable, i am a light to someone's darkness, an open arm to someone's weeping heart, and an answer to someone's confusion; just like everyone else. i do not wish to please you, nor prove to you that i am unique, because you as well as others have a standard. i am not entirely sure that i will ever meet this standard of yours, and i am content. i am content in knowing that i am unique, no matter how you feel.

i am fragile; please do not let my concrete visage fool you. i am only as strong as my weakest link. and my friend, you must know, my heart is as weak as ever, however the wall around it has never been stronger. although i am fragile, there's one thing you must know, you cannot break me. for i am stubborn, unchangeable, rebellious and unique; and not for one second will you fool me into believing different. 

KJC

.blind love.

when i was young i was taught that love is undefined; that love is unexplainable; that love is blind. as i've grown i've come to realize that it is undefined because there is no answer to what it truly is. no one wants to say that love is heartache, love is sleepless nights and stressful days. why do we want it? love is unexplained, not because it is indescribable but because no one will admit that there are hardships, there are tasks that not many want to take on, but mostly, its unexplainable because very few will ever know absolute love. they do not want to go through the pain to find it. Now, love is blind? is it no wonder? love is not blind because it can see past flaws, and love is not blind because it seeks only inner beauty. no, love has become blind so that we may settle. love became blind because we could not see ourselves deserving of what is rightfully ours. is that love? no. love is pain, love is agony, love is conscious and wide-eyed to all details. because to love, to feel pain, and to see clearly sounds almost too good to be true compared to an unscathed heart, habitual days and blinded, glazed eyes. 

KJC

.:my fault:.

my heart never healed from when you left. you let me get close to you. you let me feel secure. its your fault i can't feel. its your fault i can't trust. its your fault my tears have dried. its your fault my pain has turned numb. its your fault my heart will never

race. its your fault i walk this world blinded. but its all my fault; i let you in. 
KJC