.

sitting in a world where no one knows but you. your story is not yet shared. when your world is crumbling all around, their wind still cools, their laughter is still heard, their hearts still beat; yet all you feel, hear and see is numb. all senses shut off for mere seconds. will they ever feel you? will they ever know? they won't. they will still return the empty smile you loan out. but maybe, just maybe, their world is similar to the remains in the rubble as yours is. maybe, just maybe, they understand too. but you will never know, for you left them with a generic greeting indicating nothing other than you acknowledge their presence. 

dreams...

why are aspirations called dreams? dreams happen in the unconscious state. dreams occur without control. dreams are a faded thought. are they called dreams because they do actually occur without control; or does the effort put forth actually affect the outcome? or are they called dreams because they are mythical and unattainable? they can't be, because people have reached further beyond their dreams before...

everyday that passes is another wasted. a wasted opportunity, a wasted moment; just time not used to benefit the goal of reaching the unattainable. 

most questions i ask are open ended.. who will i be? how many people will i inspire, hurt, or affect in general? why can't my questions be answered? hm. ironic. 

sometimes a question is the only answer... but does it matter? or is the point of life to continue searching for that answer to keep you alive? because only when you find it is your time truly up. if you no longer ask, search or wonder... well is there even a point?

trapped heart.

where did you come from?

what are you made of?

when did you form?

questions i can't answer. 

stone, strong, and bulletproof. 

soundproof, overshadowing, and forever there. 

BREAK.

i want to answer those questions!

you didn't come from one specific circumstance, it is impossible. 

you were created, for me and by me. created for my protection, created by my fragile heart. 

you are made of dishonesty, broken promises, and every single time i lost trust.

you've been forming my whole life. if i had known i were building you, i would've destroyed you at your weakest. but now, now you are stronger than ever. 

IMPENETRABLE.

you were created, for me and by me. created for my seclusion, created by venomous defense.

you are made of fear of lies, fear of unrequited promises, and fear of losing the trust given so seldom. 

you've been forming my whole life, higher and higher until no one is let in. 

outside, you are defended by the scorching thorn traps of hatred and anger; flaming dart words refuse anyone closely approaching. 

much like rapunzel trapped by her master, i am trapped by mine; fear. 

the fear alone did not build you, however. 

it was only the mere foundation. 

each stone, brick and layer laid contain the distrust and lies i witnessed in others' lives. each piece of resentment i've held to those who have hurt the one's i love. 

each layer of cement contains the tears, and pain i shed and felt for those i know. the one's who wouldn't fight for themselves. 

my guarded wall was made for them. 

the outside flames were built from the words spoken to those who i can no longer trust, the one's my loves have already forgiven. 

my heart will never feel the pain they have once felt..

or has it already? 

has my own defense mechanism weakened my own fragile heart? is it crumbling in shadowed darkness and lonesome quarters of the protective wall?

please! please fall! crumble before my only heart does! or else, all i will know is the cold, dreary chamber i've lived in for a lifetime. 

i want to see the light of passion. i want to venture out to smell the fragrant scent of peace. i long to feel the the softness of the love so many have known. can i please taste the bittersweet roots of forgiveness? let me hear the sound of him calling to me, "you are mine forever, and i will NEVER hurt you."


KJC

false reflection.

the reflection continuously taunts me, stretching and skewing from every fastened point. the beauty holds true in others eyes, I suppose, or so they say. be that the case, why are these eyes, the windows to my soul, so clouded and glazed by false accusations? The truth seems clear on paper, written in it's perfected calligraphy, dancing across the page; "beauty is of the soul, not the skin, for the skin ages and withers but the soul holds true to itself." oh how these words can be read and comprehended, but upon returning to that reflection, the script decays and no longer seems real.

KJC

sleepless nights

never did I know how fragile my soul was til I felt it shatter like porcelain with that single blow. my nerves shake like the leaves in the wind as I watch you go. my strength resembles that of styrofoam, shattering and flaking with every break, holding on with all it has left. the numbness is becoming comforting. almost like the pain isn't there, that is, until I breathe. a single breath invites every needle point of my thoughts to distrupt the comfort of the numbness, stabbing their way through my flesh. it's okay, when my eyes close and I drift from this painfilled world into my unconsious, there you are. juggling my everso fragile heart. forever I'll chase you in hope that you do not drop it, for when I wake up, I'll know how it feels when you finally let go.

KJC

my bucket list

    Finish this list

Write a song

Write a book

Be in a movie

Travel across the country

Travel across the world

Become left handed

Get an MLIA posted 1/18/10

Enter and win contest

Get a 3.5

Save someone’s life

Donate to a charity

Wake up without an alarm

Learn guitar

Learn piano

Kiss in the rain

Bungee jump

Sky dive

Give blood 11/14/09

Graduate from college

Go to Disney world

Write my name in wet cement

Scuba-dive

Watch the sunset and sunrise in one sitting

Be in a play

Ride in a hot air balloon

Christmas in new york and paris

Go camping

Go fishing

Inspire someone

Give up soft drinks for a year

Take voice lessons

Learn to dance

Learn to juggle

Get a tattoo 4/7/10

Find the meaning of happiness

Write and submit a completed poem

Make someone proud

Take a road trip

Become an actress

lessons learned

As this semester winds down to a close i realize how much time i genuinely wasted. Every nap i took, every minute of television i watched, and every website i visited, i wasted hours upon hours of what i could have channeled toward keeping my scholarship. I have no idea where i stand as of right now. If i kept it, then God has been really gracious to the undeserving. If i did not, i consider it a lesson learned. 

Also i begin to realized that in these past 4 months, i have done a complete 180 and now view who i am and what i believe so much differently. now that i've spent the time on figuring out what i want to do, i have to start actually pursuing my dreams. i also want to spend the next year filled with self discovery. I know what my dreams are but its time for me to find if i'm good at it or not. if i am, i guess i've found my career. if not, lesson learned.

KJC