love

from the very beginning, it seems, my care and unaltered love for others has been apparent. i always thought it was completely genuine, but as i grow, i see that it's not well received. clingy, emotional, attached; many hurtful adjectives misinterpreting my seemingly misplaced love.

do we all expect to only get hurt in life? is that why we can't accept true love when we find it?

i've found that no matter how pure and genuine a person is, they are not trusted 95% of the time from the very beginning.

i, however, am in that minute 5% that believes that they are truly there for you, not wanting anything in return, but genuinely good people wanting to love just as much as i do.

more than i want to be loved, i want to love. i want to show absolutely how much i can care about someone, but not out of arrogance, not out of selfishness and not with the intent to get something better in return, but because my heart has been entombed for so long. the beating walls have almost cracked the very foundation of the cavern it is trapped beneath. it holds so much "love".. a word that's lost so much of what it deserves.

finished.

drunken breath along my face, tastes so bittersweet. 

knowing you're hers, never really choosing me.  

however tonight I burn all of my mistakes, all of my addictions. 
I watch as the embers of memory blow in the stale air and remember the pain I've felt through everything. 

tonight I put an end to it all. I wash my hands of every insecurity and every sick twisted feeling I've caused myself. 

will it be hard? more than anything. is it worth it? more than anything. 

i regret waiting so long but can only look forward. 
my tear spotted glasses have in turn blinded me to flaws and failures to which I subdue myself. 

in every way am I worth more than I've gotten. so let me for just a moment become a conceited human being and inform you of what I deserve. 

I deserve to be happy. 
that is all I ask. and in every way that I have had in my power, I honestly can say I have sacrificed my happiness to allow you yours. and now I'm saying it's over.  

Its my turn. 

you don't owe me anything. for I am deserving of far more than you could ever spare. 

long time no talk.

i lay in bed for the millionth time, scanning over through the daily grind.

i cant help but wonder how long its been, since i've seen you hold that girl you're with

you make me feel like i'm brand new, like i'm special, love, and important too

everyday that passes by with care, i see your face, breathe your warm air.

what the hell am i doing, laying in my bed crying, knowing she's with you, in your warm arms. 

i'm just a footnote, while she gets a whole book, when i should be bolded, you edit me out.

what the hell am i doing, tricking teasing and lying, telling myself, i belong in your arms. she's yours forever, through any weather, she's your sweet baby, while i'm alone in the rain. 

drenched in my own anguish, pain sorrow and danger, i cause myself, thinking i deserved you.